


I'm Sorry That...

by SherlockChlo



Series: Phan One-Shots [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging & YouTube RPF
Genre: Arguing, Character Death, Final Goodbye, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide, suicide note
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-26
Updated: 2014-10-26
Packaged: 2018-02-22 18:36:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2517728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SherlockChlo/pseuds/SherlockChlo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil thought everything between him and Dan had been going so well. After an accident in the kitchen, Dan leads himself to the wrong conclusion, and Phil lets his anger out a little too far. </p><p>Trigger Warning for Self-Harm and Suicide.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Sorry That...

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Dan or Phil, nor am I saying that Phan actually exists. I just needed something to write.

**Phil’s POV (Past Tense)**

For me, everything had been going so well.

I’d managed to stop my emotions taking over and destroying my skin a couple of months ago- I had been getting stronger each and every week. I even felt better about myself. Slightly.

I remember the first time I cut; the relief that it provided me with when I felt my lowest. For a few hours, while the sting lasted, I could forget about the troubles that caused me to damage myself in the first place, and let them simply drip out of me in my blood. It was relaxing.

I had never been diagnosed with depression because I’d never gone to see anyone about how I felt. There was no need for me to do so- I was dealing with it in my own way. Although, I’m pretty rue that’s what most people say when they go and see a therapist.

But then I met Dan.

We’d been talking for a while until the day finally arrived for us to meet in person- October 19th 2009\. He came to visit me and it became the best week of my life so far. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten so close to someone in such a small space of time. It was new and… Nice. And Dan has been the best person that I have ever met.

Dan had some issues with self- hate when I met him- They weren’t as bad as mine, but it still broke my heart. I didn’t understand why Dan couldn’t see how beautiful he was. I’d never seen anyone quite like him- Especially when he gave me one of his real smiles. Those that light up the entirety of his face.

We didn’t start a romantic relationship straight away because we were both already taken in our own ways. While I had a boyfriend and my self-diagnosed depression, Dan had his mini existential crisis. They were not even half as bad as they are nowadays, but they still affected him.

In the end, my relationship fell apart with Charlie- Not due to Dan and I having an affair, but because both of us were hiding feelings that we didn’t feel comfortable having in a relationship. While I had a schoolgirl crush on Dan, Charlie was jealous to the point of sending snarky comments to Dan over social media. Dan did fight back though, so inevitably it ended.

I chose Dan’s friendship over my relationship with Charlie because I could see it lasting far longer. I also wanted to be happy, and Dan made me happy.

When we moved in together, the truth was finally revealed. Dan, being someone who likes to eat everyone else’s food, found my diary hidden in one of the food cupboards. When I say ‘hidden’ I actually mean that I was writing in it, he walked in so I had to shove it in the cupboard. Unfortunately, I completely forgot that I left it in there.

When Dan walked up to me, face void of emotion, and clutching my diary I knew that there was three possible ways the situation could go:

  * Dan would “Friend-Zone” me and tell me that he was fine with my feelings- He just didn’t feel the same way about me.

  * I would receive abuse for being a ‘faggot’, and kicked out the flat, because there are still homophobes out there.

  * Dan would tell me that he loved me too.




Strangely enough, Dan reciprocated my feelings. Someone _finally_ loved me! Unfortunately for him, to get to the admittance stage, he had to go through my screams and tears after noticing the diary in his grasp. I remember him pulling me by my shoulders and holding me tightly against his chest, whispering sweet nothings into my ear. That was the day of our first kiss. And it was perfect.

Over time our relationship just continued to get better and better. I helped Dan with his self-hate, calling him things like ‘gorgeous’, ‘beautiful’ and ‘perfect’ to try and convince him, because to me he really was all those things. I also provided him with comfort when his existential crisis started to worsen. Eventually, he started to believe the praises I gave him. In return, he helped me stop my self-harm. I can’t say it was easy, because who can? There were days when he would find me locked away in the bathroom, a razor to my wrist, and tears rolling down my face. Dan would make it better though- He always did. He would put ‘ _Death Note_ ’ on the tv, make hot chocolate, and hold me close to him like I was something that mattered to him. And I felt like I mattered, in those moments.

But then it all fell apart.

**(Present Tense)**

We are both particularly tense, we have been all week, with the radio show and the stress it brings, and the planning of the Teen Awards. The Gaming Channel has been keeping us constantly busy, alongside trying to film main channel videos. We’ve had no time together as a couple so we’re both on edge.

Cutting up the peppers for our fajitas, I accidentally knock a glass off the side, watching as it smashes on the floor. I start whispering to myself- A nervous tick I’ve had for years- and start picking up the pieces of glass. But then everything starts to cloud into a whirlpool of red; my blood mixing with the glass on the floor until there’s more blood than glass. I can’t focus on anything, my hands shaking and my whispers getting harsher. This isn’t relaxing like it is when I cut- All I can feel is pain.

Hearing a noise, I look up to see Dan staring down at me. _Oh God_ I think to myself as he walks closer. I’m covered in blood and holding glass in my hands… He does not look pleased.

**Dan’s POV**

I hear a small crash come from the kitchen, I groan. I really hope that Phil hasn’t broken anything- I’ll probably shout at him if he has; my temper is already as full as it can go.

I sigh loudly, standing up from the sofa and walking into the kitchen. I walk in and see Phil kneeling on the floor in a mess of glass and blood. _Fantastic Phil_. I make a small noise of anger as I look down at my boyfriend on the floor. That’s when he notices that I’m there and watching what he’s doing.

“What the _fuck_ are you doing, Phil?” I shout down at his quivering body, his lips still moving with the whispers he’s been repeating over and over.

Phil’s eyes brim with tears as he looks between me and his bleeding hands. “I-I-I d-don’t k-know w-what… I-I-I’m s-sorry… I-I don’t…” He wipes his face with his hands, only succeeding in making the mess on his face worse. “O-oh my g-god.” He starts to mutter and whisper to himself again, his body shaking vigorously. The more he shakes, the more the blood spreads.

I grab Phil by his wrists and pull him out of the room, careful to avoid the blood and glass mixture, and into the bathroom. I push him down so that he’s sitting on the toilet, and then start to look under the sink for the First Aid Kit.

“What were you doing, Phil? _Normal_ people just pick up the glass; they don’t roll around in it!” I’m so angry at him- And I know it’s for no good reason.

“D-Dan… I-I wasn’t d-doing _t-t-that_. I-I was c-cooking and knocked t-the glass o-off, and then I-I t-tried to p-pick it u-up- Really I was. B-but it k-kept cutting m-me.” Phil was sobbing to himself like a child in trouble. Why couldn’t he just grow up?

“Phil!” I shout, turning towards him and throwing my hands in the air, “Stop crying!” I start pacing in the room, trying to calm myself down enough to deal with Phil. When I look at him, I see no emotion. He knows what I’m thinking about him needing to grow up…

“Oh, I’m sorry. Forgive me, Dan, for being slightly emotional for once. I’m sorry that we’ve been _so busy_ this week that I’m so mentally tired that I cry at any little trigger. I’m sorry that _you_ are going to be the one who, after I _accidentally_ knocked a glass off the side, has to clear up my blood. _I’m sorry_ that I have a _boyfriend_ that’s wound up so much that he shouts at me for an _accident_! And I’m _so fucking sorry_ that you’re in a _fucking_ relationship with me, because I’m obviously just something you use to vent on!” Phil starts off by talking normally, until he’s shouting and screaming words at me. His voice cracks and his face gets wet with tears, but I have nothing to say.

“P-Phil…”

“No. You thought that I-“ _That’s it._

“Fuck you.” Phil stops, his body almost falling onto the floor. “You’re worth more to me than anyone else I’ve ever met. Obviously… You don’t feel the same way about me.” I can only whisper now, my body too tired to continue shouting. I turn and run from the apartment, not caring about a coat. My phone is in my pocket, _if_ I need it. I can’t look at him, so I don’t turn back.

I hear a desperate scream of ‘Dan’ from behind me, but I ignore it.

I need to get away.

**Phil’s POV**

_Oh my god… What have I done?!_

_I’ve just pushed Dan away from me. Maybe forever._

The pull begins, stronger than I’ve ever felt before.

_I’m alone now._

_Dan will never come back- Now I have nothing to live for. No one to please._

I don’t know how I got here, but I’m in the kitchen and ready to do what I’ve wanted to do for years. I grab a piece of glass, covered in drying blood, from the floor in my tightly. I walk to my bedroom, there’s no need to hurry since no one is going to come and find me. I sit down on my bed, my legs crossed and my back hunched over. I just stare at the glass in my hand; like it has power over me.

There’s a little voice inside my head yelling at me to do it- They’re taunting and swearing and shouting!

I slowly start to realise that they’re right- I’m worthless. Especially now that Dan hates me! I’ve got nothing left to live for.

I place the glass against my wrist, ready to die, but then I remember the sleeping pills that Dan keeps from me. Or at least he tries to- I know where the pills are.

Leaving the glass on the bed, waiting, I walk to Dan’s room and search through the bedside table. The bottle of sleeping pills, prescribed to me a few months back when I had painful nightmares, was sitting and glaring at me. It said to only take two, but I needed way more than two to get out of this nightmare.

Grabbing my phone, I walk back into my room and pull out an envelope from under my pillow- My note. I retake my position, this time taking the lid off of the bottle so that I can empty the pills into my open palm. I dry swallow four in a row, before unlocking my phone and finding Dan’s number in my contacts.

I type out a quick, and completely honest, message before dry swallowing the rest of the pills in the bottle. Without any more hesitation, I cut deep into my left wrist, dragging it up vertically to my elbow. I repeat it on the right, and drop the blade on the duvet. The slight pain is replaced with an immense free feeling. I feel like I’m flying.

My body falls onto the bed; giving into my fate.

This is it.

**Dan’s POV**

I leave the building as quickly as I can, not looking back once.

I know that I’m on edge- I know. And I hadn’t really meant to be _that_ harsh to Phil. He doesn’t deserve that kind of crap.

But I continue walking.

I continue running away from what I love.

When I reach Starbucks, a place that I hadn’t planned before I arrived, I pull the door open harshly, and rush into the warmth. That’s when my phone buzzes in my pocket.

I ignore it.

I order myself a small latte, not really bothered as to what I drink, before standing and waiting for my name to be called. While I’m waiting, I decide to check my phone so I don’t look awkward.

_‘1 New Message- Phil <3’_

I roll my eyes, but in a loving way, completely forgetting why I’m standing in Starbucks right now, and not at home with my boyfriend. As I read the message, my w=eyes widen and my breath catches in my throat.

_‘Goodbye, Dan._

_I hope that you have a fantastic life- You deserve it._

_I love you. xxxxx’_

“No.” I whisper before, without even a second of hesitation, sprinting from the café and back home; hoping that I don’t find what I’m expecting to. My body is shouting at me to stop- My chest heaving and my throat burning.

I run into the building and press the button for the lift far too many times than necessary. The doors take hours to open, but when they do I run inside and press the button for my floor.

“Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.” I mutter to myself as the lift continues to climb; wishing it would make the lift move a little faster. The doors open again and I sprint to the door, my key immediately finding the lock and opening the door. I slam it closed behind me, completely ignoring the neighbours.

“PHIL?!” I shout through the flat.

No answer.

I repeat it over and over, every time it gets quieter as my voice breaks with tears.

Then I see something- Phil’s door is closed… _Oh god!_

 _Nononononononono_!

I burst into the room, my heart beating faster than it was when I was sprinting all the way home.

Inside is worse than I expected- Phil lies motionless on the bed, his arms completely red from where he has slit them open. His duvet below him is covered in a darker version of the same fluid, and a bottle of pills lies next to his lifeless body…

I run towards him and put my fingers to his neck, my other hand hovering over his mouth and nose. There’s a very faint and fluttering pulse. Phil’s phone is next to him, so I grab it with shaking fingers and click ‘emergency call’! This is a fucking emergency!

“999 emergency. What service do you require?”

“A-Ambulance please. I-I need one, r-right n-n-now.” I start to cry against Phil’s chest, affecting my speech to the woman on the other end.

“Okay, honey. Can you tell me what’s happened?”

“My boyfriend committed s-s-suicide…” I whisper hoarsely down the phone. “P-please help.”

The woman asks me my name, Phil’s name, if he has a pulse, and our address. I give her everything she needs. I can hear sirens in the distance, hoping there’s one for Phil. _Please_.

On the other end, the woman tells me that everything will be okay. Phil will be fine. But I don’t believe her. If Phil wants something, then he’ll get it. I sit, staring at the wall, my hand clutching Phil’s tighter than what’s comfortable. I’ll probably never get to hold his hand again…

After a few minutes, people swarm into the apartment, and I am yanked away from Phil’s body. I don’t struggle- It wouldn’t be fair on Phil…

His life is in their hands now.

They put him on the stretcher and I realise how useless I was.

I didn’t hold his arms up to reduce the blood flow. I didn’t put anything against his arms to stop the bleeding. I didn’t even try and make him throw up the pills…

I’m allowed to the hospital with him because I’d get in the way more than I’d help. So I stay at the flat and waited until I could go and see him. The sirens whisk away, leaving me cold and alone in the flat.

I grab the envelope that I saw on Phil’s bed earlier and walk into my own bedroom, shutting the door and sliding down it to the floor. I look down at the envelope in my hands; my bloody hands. Phil’s girly handwriting on the front. I rip it open, not caring about being careful, and pull the paper inside out. I try to hold back my tears as I start to read.

_‘Dear whoever may be reading this,_

_If it’s my parents then all I can say is that I’m sorry and I love you all. I don’t want you to blame anyone but me for my death- I personally have seen it coming for a while now._

_If it’s the doctor then please kindly piss off and give this letter to someone who comes to identify my body._

_Whoever you are, can you tell my friends that I love them? Louise, Chris, PJ, Cat, Zoe… I just want them all to know that they kept me going when I couldn’t even get myself out of bed. I hope you all have fantastic lives, especially with all the success that has been brewing recently. Peej- Don’t ever stop being creative. Your imagination makes you_ you _, Peej. Zoe- Keep getting stronger, Zoe.’_

Phil continued to list people’s names and his little messages to them. They were all really sweet and caring. The next paragraph made me burst into tears as soon as I saw who it was addressed to.

_‘To the man who saved me- Dan. I’m so sorry, Dan. I honestly am. Just know that this wasn’t your fault (I’m writing this in December 2013, so I don’t know what my life will be like if you’re reading this). Even if you shouted at me, or called me names, I know that you didn’t actually mean it. I know because I’ve loved you from the moment that I saw you climbing off the train, dragging your suitcase behind you. I really do love you, Dan._

_I love it when you smile your real smile, dimples and all._

_Saying that, I love your dimple._

_I love your laugh._

_I love your eyes, even though you think they’re boring._

_I love your personality._

_I love_ you _, Dan._

_Please can you do one thing for me? Never change. Remain the same old Dan who has existential crises and eats all the food. Find a lady, get married, have children. Forget about me. Live your life- Don’t lose who you are just because I’m gone from this World. Just remember that I’m happy now. I’m in a better place._

_I love you,_

_Phil xxx_ ’

I lose it…

**30 minutes later**

A nurse walks up to me in the hospital waiting room. “Daniel Howell?” I look up and nod at her, my eyes hopeful. “I’m so sorry.” My head falls into my hands…

_@danisnotonfire: Phil Lester pronounced dead at 22:26._


End file.
